THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU WONDER

• "Why does she get to sit out of all these stupid meetings?"

• "Why doesn't my boss see how much effort I am putting in?"

• "Why does he get all the great projects? What about me?"

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of Resentment at Work

THINK // 3 insights from the field

THE GOOD THING about unpacking your uncomfortable feelings of resentment is that it can help you uncover the hidden wonders of the hidden boundaries, wants and requests that actually matter more to you.

Dr Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart defines resentment as:

•  “hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”

Resentment is hidden envy. Let that sink in. 🤯 

Dr Brown defines envy as what we feel "when we want something that another person has".

So, say you are resentful about your colleague sitting out on stupid meetings you get stuck in.

Rather than alternate between feeling pissy-passive aggressive-guilty about it, you can instead ask yourself:

1. "What do I want that she has?" (eg: I want freedom to focus on more urgent work)

2. "What are the boundaries around a good thing I value that I need to set? And who shall I set them with?" (eg: I need to set boundaries of focused work time with my supervisor)

3. "What expectations can I let go of because they aren't in my control? What expectations can I claim and talk about because they are fair and within my control?" (eg: I can let go of my expectations of what my supe will think of me if I ask to be left out of meetings. I can claim my legit expectations that I be given sufficient time in a workday to focus on the more urgent and important tasks)

THE BAD THING about our resentments is that just knowing inside us what we are feeling resentful about doesn't make it go away.

Resentments are a sign of unspoken requests. You must lean into the discomfort and sum up the courage to say or do something about what's not working for you in the situation. It's not going to be fun or comfortable at all. Your request should share clearly

• the things that you want,

• the boundaries that need to be set and

• the legitimate, "in our control" expectations that you have.

The request that you make must be directly to the person who can do something about the request. This can really challenge our comfort levels.

One of the bad things about our discomfort around taking care of what we need is that we talk to everyone about our needs (e.g. our best friend, the cafe waitress, our acquaintances, our colleagues) - except that one person who can actually do something about it (e.g. our boss).

THE UGLY THING about our workplace resentments is how many of us choose to let them remain under the table, brewing, waiting to erupt in an outsized manner.

Some people carry their resentments for so long and so quietly and politely that you can get shocked when they suddenly quit on you - and then choose that exit interview as the perfect time to make known to you all their hidden expectations, wants and requests when it is too late for anyone to do anything about it.

If you are on the receiving end of someone else' sudden or explosive reveal of their hidden resentments, it can be quite a shellshock. You may be unsure if you could have done better. You can check in on yourself to learn what you need to learn and discard what you can discard:

1. "Did I check in on what they wanted?"

2. "Were there boundaries that I could have set better in this situation with them?"

3. "Were their expectations within my control, fair and legitimate?"

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

WATCH Brene Brown shares the moment she discovered resentment was not part of the anger family, it was part of envy - and how that changed everything for her.

READ Dr Jennifer Lycette MD unpacks how healthcare workers can reframe the resentment they feel towards difficult patients and hard situations.

DO // 1 strategy to try this week

NOTICE if you feel resentful at someone at work or at home this week. Don't judge yourself.

FIRST, GET CURIOUS

• What do I want that X has?

• What are the boundaries that I need to set to get what I want? And who shall I set them with?

• What expectations can I let go of because they aren't in my control? What expectations can I claim and talk about because they are fair and within my control?

THEN, PRACTICE leaning into the discomfort and courageously making your request to the person who can do soemthing about it. You can use these lines:

• "I noticed I felt (specific emotion) just now when (specific situation happened)."

• "It's because I expected (specific expectation)"

• "What I want is (specific want)"

• "Can we talk about how to set some new boundaries around (specific thing of value)?"

Have a worthy weekend, workplace warriors.

Leading organisational cultural change is a good and meaningful thing. But it can be a battlefield through some bad things and ugly things. I'm here for you in the trenches, figuring out things along the way too.

I want to help you do your work so you can do the work - and do it together with good people you care for.

Every Friday, you’ll get 3 insights + 2 links + 1 strategy to arm you for Monday.

Meanwhile, get some rest this weekend. I'll see you next Friday,

❤️ 👊 🙌

Wishing you love, power & meaning,

Shiao