#18 The Good, Bad & Ugly of Supporting Men's Mental Well-Being at Work

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU HEAR

• “Look, you’re a guy, so of course I’m just going to lay it to you straight up. I’m not here to protect your feelings here, am I right? Don’t be such a girl about it.”

• "Just get it together and get in control, man. Grow up.”

• “Deal with your own problems because no one cares. Be a man & take responsibility”

• “You want to go on a Sabbatical? Your career comes before family, man. If you don’t want to lose the respect of your girlfriend, take your break after you climb the career ladder and make a bit more money.”

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of Supporting Men’s Mental Well-Being at work.

THINK // 3 insights from the field

😇 THE GOOD THING is the need to support men’s mental well-being at home and at work is now getting much more attention across the world.

While we must not forget how society continues to place equally unhealthy expectations and pressures on women, we also must make space for men to share about their unseen burdens too.

Compassion is not a zero-sum game.

Showing compassion for the well-being of anyone, regardless of gender, can be a win-win.

🤬 THE BAD THING is deep-set cultural biases can make it challenging to work with each other to address men’s mental well-being.

In Singapore, Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) reported that 476 suicides were reported in 2022 - the highest number in more than 20 years.What was disturbing is that of these 476 suicide deaths, 317 were men and the remaining 159 were women.

SOS has hypothesised that societal expectations and stigma against seeking help for mental health struggles may have contributed to these higher numbers.

By now, it is known that across different cultures and income brackets,

• Males die by suicide at twice the rate of females (WHO). It is hypothesised that it is not because females have less suicidal tendencies but because males pick more drastic ways to commit suicide.

• High income countries actually have the highest suicide rates among males. In the USA, males make up nearly 80% of all deaths by suicide (CDC). Situational stressors like relationship troubles to stressful work transitions can trigger suicidal ideation.

• Males are less likely than females to receive formal mental health support of any kind.

We will have to confront many biases that have been so normalised that we create social stigma and so internalised that some men may stigmatise themselves.

In a 2023 Citizen Circle “Beyond Man Up” convened by the men in my Common Ground civic centre team, 19 men gathered to share about

• what were the specific frustrating words and actions they’ve experienced

• what are the specific ‘words of care’ and ‘acts of care’) men needed from the people (men and women) around them.

This is what we found out from them:

The data from this small group echoes the stereotypical stories of what other cultures tell about what it means to “be a man” and “man up”:

assertive, ambitious, independent, self-reliant, in control, strong, and successful earners who have stable jobs and high-income security.

This creates an unhealthy, dangerous belief that a man is “not manly enough” if he is (by personality, choice or situation):

quiet, modest, interdependent, reliant on others, relaxed, vulnerable, lower ranking, stay-at-home, in-between jobs, freelancing, financially less secure or lower-income earning

It’s important to note that these above “un-manly” descriptions are not necessarily “bad” traits for a man. They are simply traits or even situational circumstances.

But they can be read as judgements that cause someone reading to feel a pang of internalised shame for themselves or secondary shame on behalf of someone we know at work.

That is problematic and can get potentially ugly.

😈 THE UGLY THING about normalising or internalising unhealthy expectations is that over time, it can deeply wound anyone’s sense of self-worth and impact their mental health.

When we shame ourselves or feel shame projected upon us by others, anyone of us might:

• feel more reluctant to seek help from family, friends, work colleagues or from professional services.

• be more overly reactive, defensive or aggressive at work.

• experience a serious dip in productivity, performance and motivation

Fast-paced, uber-competitive workplace cultures that over-emphasise those stereotypical “manly” traits above:

assertive, ambitious, independent, self-reliant, in control, strong, and successful earners who have stable jobs and high-income security.

can be a psychologically unsafe and triggering environment for men who may think, feel, act in a way that is counter to that culture.

In Associate Professor Ruchi Sinha’s HBR article “We need to talk about Men’s Health”, she explained that:

Sinha also warned that distress in men can show up in the workplace as

1. Distraction: excessive time on devices or entertainment, spending endless hours at work or over-investing at work, diminished work performance, difficulty concentrating and completing tasks on time.

2. Escaping: More frequent and heavy drinking (especially alone), binge eating and over-investing in indulgent activities.

3. Withdrawal: Not joining the team for lunches or post-work social activities, eating alone, avoiding social contact with friends and family, taking an excessive number of sick days.

4. Externalization: Low impulse-control, high irritability, snapping at and getting frustrated with colleagues, showing anger, and portraying anti-social behaviors towards others

Whether we see these signs yet, there are generally 3 things we can all do:

1. Normalise healthy mutual disclosure of challenges at work (especially powerful if you are a male manager/colleague). e.g.“The past few weeks have been really tough for me. I had to handle care-giving duties and new project deadlines. It’s been honestly overwhelming for me. It makes me wonder though - how have you been doing as well? Anything going on for you too?”  

2. Normalise seeking of personal and professional help
   e.g. “I started tapping into the company well-being benefits last week and saw a therapist for the first time. It was strange but surprisingly helpful. Have you gone to one before - or are you a newbie to this kind of thing?”  

3. Legitimise disclosure & help-seeking as an act of courage or show of strength
   e.g. “Thanks for the chat, man. I have to say it was brave of you to share that with the team. It’s not a small thing to me. Talking about stuff is hard to do and I’m glad you did that. I appreciate your honesty.”

Below in the “Do” section is another practical and simple intervention you can try that was inspired by the “Beyond Man Up” Citizen Circle.

For more interventions and insights, please download the resource.

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

DOWNLOAD  Common Ground’s “Beyond Man Up” community resource to read the full insights into what words of care and acts of care may resonate better for men at home and at work.

READ Ruchi Sinha on the stigma that men face as they try to cope with stress in the workplace and how we can better support them.

DO // 1 strategy to try this week

NOTICE what came up in the words of care suggested and upvoted by the men from the Citizen’s Circle:

PRACTICE taking one of the suggested Words of Care and doing a simple “Listen + Learn” Conversation where the emphasise is not on you speaking but more on you listening, asking and validating.

PRACTICE doing one of the Acts of Care suggested and upvoted by the men from the Citizen’s Circle with a male peer or even a male manager at work. It can be as simple and powerful as inviting them along for a lunch and just talking about life - not just work.

How do I get better at faciliating conversations that set clearer boundaries that work better for us?

If you want to learn more about how to facilitate conversations so that things can change for you and your organisation, sign yourself and your teams up here: