THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU WONDER

• "Let's just agree to disagree."

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of conflict avoidance.

THINK // 3 insights from the field

😇 THE GOOD THING about saying "Let's agree to disagree" is it might be rooted in your sincere desire to

• stop a conflict from escalating,

• find some temporary peace

• preserve a relationship somewhat.

We can feel especially keen to throw down the "agree to disagree" card when we feel we are at an impasse with another person where we are both:

• going in circles around the same argumentative points with no apparent sign of moving forward

• feeling increasingly drained, stressed, frustrated, shut down or riled up.

🤬 THE BAD THING about saying "Let's agree to disagree" though is that you might also be saying it as a way to clamp down on disagreements, run away from discomfort, avoid conflict or cut people off abruptly.

Worse, people who want a more satisfying conclusion to the discussion can receive you poorly and get triggered into even more irritation and push-back.

The big problem with "Let's agree to disagree" is that it is unclear. It's a vague word salad of a phrase that gives people no specific meaning to work with. And wherever there is a vacuum of meaning, people will rush to fill it with their own meaning.

A listener might interpret your "Let's agree to disagree" as a sign of your:

• lack of care for them as a person: "Are you telling me you hate talking to me and I'm just a waste of your time?!"

• lack of sincerity in being honest with what's really on your mind: "Are you just trying to politely tell me I'm still wrong?!"

• lack of reliability with engaging with differences and tension: "Are you going to keep deflecting and running away like that whenever I disagree with you?"

• lack of competency to engage skillfully in conversation about hard things: "Are you that useless at debating and negotiating with differences in opinion? I thought you were smart/experienced/a leader etc."

This is a big deal because according to Charles Feltman, the 4 foundational ingredients of trust are care, sincerity, reliability and competency. So, "Let's agree to disagree" is problematic because it can be more trust-breaking than trust-building.

When we refuse to engage with someone's disagreements with us, we are sending a sign that, "I only like you when you are the same as me. I cannot accept, acknowledge or even hold space for the part of you that is different."

David Aldridge, a lecturer in philosophy of education, argues:

When we learn to sit in the difficulty of our differences to practice the art of "agreeable disagreement", we are saying, "I am prepared to relate with you even though this is difficult. I am prepared to learn with you."

😈 THE UGLY THING about "Let's agree to disagree" is that it is a classic thought-terminating cliché.

Thought-terminating clichés are catchy, succinct and meaningful sounding phrases that are used to stop someone's line of inquiry. We may use them when we are caught in an argument where we start thinking:

• "they are asking too many questions I can't answer",

• "they are making me uncomfortable",

• "they are challenging the status quo",

• "I am right - how dare they question me in front of everyone"

Thought-terminating clichés can be leveraged for good as a strategy to stop ourselves or someone else from unhealthy over-thinking (e.g. "It is what it is", "Trust the process", "God has his reasons".)

But they can also be our attempt to manipulate a conversation by shutting down a discourse or silencing a person that has gotten out of your control.

A thought-terminating cliche like "Let's agree to disagree" can become a convenient getaway vehicle for you to escape from the call to state your facts, intentions and experiences upfront.

It actually forces a falsehood into a conversation that we have come to some agreement to disagree when factually:

• you have not asked the other person if they are agreeable with your disagreement.

• you aren't actually agreeable with their disagreement.

The more we escape that call, the more "unfinished business" we create for ourself and others. Unfinished business is that nagging sense of dissatisfaction and lack of closure that just sits in your psyche of things you wish you said, feelings you wish you expressed, actions you wish you took.

That's why we practice closing even a hard or ugly conversation with integrity and clarity. It is to lessen the units of "unfinished business" that burden our mind, sap our energy and keep us in the past.

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

WATCH Former Westboro Baptist Church member Megan Phelps-Roper on how people who dared to "agreeably disagree" with her on Twitter were key to opening her mind to leaving the cult and her current reflections on how we can successfully engage across extremely polarised, ideological lines.

READ  Conflict mediator Gordon White's short essay on how he works with "Let's Agree to Disagree"

DO // 1 strategy to try this week

NOTICE the next time you or someone else uses "Let's agree to disagree". Instead of getting irritated or indifferent...

FIRST, GET CURIOUS

• Do I/they want to stop this conflict from escalating?

• Do I/they want to find some temporary peace?

• Do I/they want to preserve this relationship somehow?

If it's a "Yes" on all 3 fronts, there is merit in engaging in a more productive way. You may not want to engage if the premise of the conversation is unsafe and extremely distressing for you or the other person.

THEN, PRACTICE leaning into the discomfort and practice simple steps of "agreeable disagreement".

1. Name + validate tough feelings arising on both sides: "I'm feeling frustrated"; "I hear you that this discussion is getting upsetting for you."

2. Accept the presence of differences:"I want you to know I am ok with you disagreeing with me. I also want you to know just because you disagree doesn't take away my respect for you/desire to work with you etc."

3. Validate what they want is important for them: "I accept that you have a very different view (on issue X). I accept that you want very much for me to (think/feel/do this about issue X). It's important for you. I get that."

4. Share a personal value and set your OK/NOT OK boundaries: "I value honesty and I value our friendship. So what's OK for me is hearing out each other's tough points of view honestly, what's NOT OK is walking away or pretending we don't have strong disagreements here."

5. Set boundaries and make requests that help to better manage time and energy for a more productive conversation: "So rather than agree to disagree, how about we pause and acknowledge for now that we disagree. I do want to revisit this conversation because it matters to me and I can see it matters for you. Would it be ok if we gave each other a week to think through stuff before we revisit this conversation? And rather than do this by Zoom, are you ok with meeting up to talk over a meal instead?"

6. Share a specific closing lesson you learnt or appreciation you got from disagreeing with them: "Thanks for this convo. It was hard but it helped me learn (more about why you feel strongly about X and I appreciate your frankness)"

How can I get better at facilitating conversations?

If you want more skilling up in how to facilitate effective conversations that change a personal, professional or organisational situation you are facing, I would love to work with you. I develop customised training and facilitate crucial conversations for my organisational clients. If you are an individual wanting training, you can also look up our training offerings at Common Ground Civic Centre such as this one.

Have a worthy weekend, workplace warriors.

Leading organisational cultural change is a good and meaningful thing. But it can be a battlefield through some bad things and ugly things. I'm here for you in the trenches.

Every Friday, you’ll get 3 insights + 2 links + 1 strategy to arm you for Monday.

Meanwhile, get some rest this weekend. I'll see you next Friday,

❤️ 👊 🙌

Wishing you love, power & meaning,

Shiao